Full of light, nonetheless.
A look back at my 2023. Spoiler: first half konjam lag but second half paathe aaganum.
Let me start off with this wonderful quote I came across in my friend’s newsletter (linked below!):
As someone who has called herself “broken” many times (because I had no other vocabulary to describe my feelings at that point), this quote was so beautiful to read.
It really is true; I do think, now as an adult with better mental health than when I was younger and diagnosed with depression and anxiety, that to be human is to be flawed. I’d say I’ve learnt accepting this as a way of life is what makes it a little easier to live every day. Still growing and full of light, nonetheless. So beautiful.
2023 was.. something.
I think for most of the year I was sad, depressed, and anxious. Negative thoughts and downward spirals galore! Imagine doing a Mental Health Wrapped like Spotify Wrapped.. that would be amazing, ngl. (that’s called journaling your emotions and taking stock of them or something right? where’s the fun in that though!)
Honestly, I don’t remember much of any other feeling from the past year. I recall lots of instances of low self-confidence, insecurity wrt my career choices, and the whole failure mindset (which is that I will fail no matter what I do so why try anyway?).
It’s taken a LOT of months to get out of this hellhole (I was in the very deep part of this hellish cyclical nightmare). Lots of work in therapy and outside of it. I’m still there of course but just not as deep. That rocks, honestly. I feel.. free. I’d like to think I now have a normal amount of self-doubt.
The worst part is that when I was trying to “recap 2023” I couldn’t think of very many happy moments even though I know the happy moments were greater in number than the other feelings I’d mentioned above. That’s how my brain works apparently. Maybe documenting happy moments, small and big, isn’t a bad idea. Monthly wraps, anyone? Should we do this? Make it a collective group thing, perhaps.
The best part though is that I feel I have been the happiest in a long time in the past few months (I now refer to this part in my life as my “confident era”1). This feels weird for sure but I am embracing it (and tempted to add “for however long it lasts for” but my therapist’s face immediately materialised in front of me and I have reconsidered the decision hehe).
No one told me it’s sometimes a lot of work to be happy. I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety nearly a decade back. I am of course, SO MUCH better now, but I still do feel I need to actively work on doing things that bring me happiness. Doing more of those things specifically. Making sure my happiness-cat is well fed (personifying emotions is awesome). Make sure I acknowledge non-happy feelings and give space for them too. Urgh. So much work. But work I am okay with doing, nonetheless.
All this wasn’t achieved on my own though. I have a stellar support system (yes, I will be cocky about it) in the form of great friends who believe in me a lot. Sometimes, too much I feel :P hehe. These people have been witnessing me go through life for decades and have played a big part in making me the person I am today! Forever grateful for this.
I had no concept of what I wanted to say in this post but I’ve penned down my raw, spontaneous thoughts. It’s a little shorter than I anticipated but I hope that’s a good thing, what with our shortened attention spans and all (REELS!). I hope the coming year is better for me. And for you too, if 2023 sucked.
Thank you for reading and I hope you have a very great new year! Good things are coming :)
PS: Tying this back to the quote I shared at the beginning… I think I have finally accepted that I am someone who has a lot of light inside her and loves sharing that light too. It doesn’t matter if it diminishes her but she will shine through anyway because that’s who she is as a person.
My plans for this newsletter you ask? Hmm, where do I go and hide…
I would like to post more skincare, and more personal posts too - definitely considering doing a monthly wrapped post! Let’s see, let’s see.
Did you resonate with anything from above? Let me know, I’d love to know!
With that, I sign off.
Happy New Year!
This “confident era” label has helped me be more free. I am now open to trying more things in life. New things that I’d usually shy away from. I am also more forgiving of myself. I have more faith in myself to be able to go on despite anything at all. It’s pretty awesome. And beautiful.
Yay for the confident era! And a beautiful documentation of your year. 2024 is going to be the year of vats!
PS: Also, you are always the biggest light in the room. Never doubt!